Frightfully sorry, I must have dozed off for the last week and a half. Anything new in the world of the ULA? What's that you say? Absolutely nothing? Oh well, back to sleep. Enjoy Cleveland this summer, gentlemen, I hear C.C. Sabathia's been having a little trouble finding his "stuff." Perhaps your mom will videotape your 6-person-party again this year? I'd stop by, but you know the way we "puritains" are about the sins of liquor (and clown outfits).
posted by Bryan Guski at Friday, June 09, 2006
41 Comments:
Bryan Guskis the only two who live in the US have emailed me to say they're not you. Should have picked a more common name. So unless you haven't had a phone drivers license or well anything for the last ten years you're not named Bryan Guski. Did you and Dave have sex? You think he cares about that? He's probably laughing at you right now.
Actually, in addition to myself, I know of at least one other Bryan Guski. And he's neither an elk hunter or an ecologist. So I guess there's at least four. You've knocked out two. Congratulations.
Let me give you a hint: my phone number has a 6 in it somewhere.
Come now, Jimmy. You must realize everyone on the planet knows you can't do comprehensive driver's license searches. It was actually the subject of a fairly well-known emailed joke awhile back. As dishonest as they may be, internet private eyes know that tidbit too, in the off chance you actually paid out of pocket while on your quest. Please, for own your sake James, tell me you're not actually investing money in this venture. That's almost as much of a waste of time as checking in on Wenclas's blog once a week (which I do, sadly, but which happens to be free).
For future reference: http://consumer-guide.to/People.Finders/
I'm just looking out for you, baby, just in case.
To answer your question, yes, "Dave" and I did have sex, and he was laughing at me then too. It seemed odd at the time. Purple monkey dishwasher.
actually he was probably scribbling a skull and cross bones on your right buttock with an indelible magic marker, does that to all his bitches,(if you go get a mirror you'll probably see it's still there [don't wash it off, it's probably worth some money]).
Yes. Magic markers, buttocks, and, well, it's crossbones, in case you were wondering. "Puritains" are a little stuffy about spelling, as you know. Although brackets inside of parentheses are a favorite of mine, too (AND David Foster Wallace!!!).
I anxiously await Charlie's brilliant expose of your homophobia. Hmmm. Why do I feel like it'll never come? In the meantime, you & Tim can go protest the GLAAD Awards together or something, drawing "puritainical cross bones" on the asses of all your enemies.
Tim, if you keep attacking the ULA, I may just have the incentive to dig through my voluminous files in storage and find a couple of those Bully Mag articles-- (I have a penchant for printing and saving anything vaguely related to the ULA) like where you attacked Bissell, or characterized Eggers as a child molester. You seem so interested in the Eggers gang of late, such might make interesting reading.
(Curious how you wiped everything out, isn't it?)
There's still the question also of who was the anonymous Amazon poster that Dave reacted to. Might be worthwhile looking into.
Note to "Charlie" also:
Please stop referencing the ULA, which gives people the mistaken idea you're one of us.
Or should we begin a discussion of who you are?
Thanks much.
King, if it will do anything to help you overcome the fact that I am not Tim Hall, I suggest you attack him or tarnish his reputation in exactly the way you've described or in any other way you can think of, and see if I give a shit. Seriously, please do. Or go bring your rough 'n tumble protest, complete with snazzy placards, to his place. I'm sure you know where he lives. I love it when ULA guys rip each other apart, as all failed revolutionaries do. The Grover stuff was priceless.
That'd be a start, right?
Give your hyena some spelling lessons, if you find some time. You wouldn't want to give weight to the stereotype that all ULAers are frustrated morons, would you?
Really sorry it didn't work out for you. Using the ULA to get the "DAVE" to notice you then getting miffed when he didn't give you the attention you thought you deserved. Bitchily lashing out at everything and everyone then getting invited to sanfrancisco for some sort of support and comfort and then finding out that you've been used and exploited. tragic
Yes, I was invited to San Francisco by McSweeney's, to pour my heart out about all those ULA tidbits my intense espionage netted. Then, having been thoroughly used, they spiked my drink with a deadly nerve agent. Somehow, I survived and escaped.
Well, at least I have another story to the "the Dave," as you say, the next time he's drawing things on my ass with a marker.
I think that "frustrated moron" could be confusing. Are we meant to understand that the people refered to are frustated in their attempts to become morons rejected by the gate keepers of the clique of those who have appointed themselves arbiters of the moronic? Or that they are frustrated and moronic? and "another story to the 'Dave'" is that a hipster expression or did you mean to say, another story to tell to the "Dave" maybe you could get him to tatoo the skull and crossbones on your ass and sign it that'd be worth some bucks and a skin graft could probably cover up the hole.
"Another story to the Dave," was the most accurate way to describe our telepathic connection without getting all showy on you.
That wasn't quite what I meant by frustrated moron. Speaking of which, it's "referred."
Yes, more ass drawing. I think you may be pilfering that motif from William Butler Yeats.
What makes you a pathetic individual is that you're hiding-- you won't back your statements with your own name, which makes them meaningless.
You made a big deal early on, on my blog, of my supposedly calling you a coward. (Strangely, Hall said the same thing privately.)
Well, what else does one call such a person. Gutless? A scared woman?
I was reading an Agatha Christie story about an anonymous letter writer harassing people in a community. The suspects were all women. The detectives listed cases and said with such occurrences the suspects are almost always women. Understandable.
If you're a man, back up what you say.
What are you afraid of?
Why am I not afraid to say anything I like about extremely powerful people who command huge resources?
Either live like a man or hide like a mouse. You've chosen the latter, and thus deserve no respect whatsoever.
King said: "Why am I not afraid to say anything I like about extremely powerful people who command huge resources?"
I would have to guess it's because your leadership at the helm of a crayon 'n napkin literary movement has been characterized by a bravery unseen in modern times.
Either that, or the only major repercussions you've suffered as a result of your bloggin'-revolution-of-boredom has been the shrugging indifference of your audience. And please, don't tell me about your article in some mainstream rag in the 90s, and how you'd be a big player if you weren't so virtuous and principled. I've heard of many folks being shit out of the bottom of the literature game after one or two forgettable, er, "pieces." You're nothing if not unexceptional.
I anxiously await Charlie's expose on the chauvinism of the ULA as a result of your anti-woman statements. May the light of truth and reason that shines so brightly from his keyboard not disappoint.
You're not too fond of the ladies, are you, Mr. Wenclas? This isn't the first time I've heard that connected to your name. They all betray you in the end, eh? You continue to think there's something novel about dressing up like a cartoon of what you think a rough & tumble 50's writer would be like, if you actually knew anything about writers (Lord knows you're plenty familiar with the 50's). "Get the dames out of the newsroom and get me another scotch!"
My name is my name, as "womanly" as using it may be. If I'd been clever, I would have come up with a decent pseudonym, like Bad Prince Boleslaus (look it up).
Wait, am I Tim or a girl now? You've been vacillating a bit on that one.
Gus Hall just said: "I would have to guess it's because your leadership at the helm of a crayon 'n napkin literary movement has been characterized by a bravery unseen in modern times."
Tim, I am looking at an archived copy of your blog, specifically the entry for the first anniversary of Undie Press. It shows one of your holy relics, namely that original United Airlines cocktail napkin with your crayon markings on it. Drop the T, carry the D, voila, Undie Press.
(You and your anagrams. I figured out "Bryan Guski" too.)
YOU'RE the one running a crayon and napkin operation, and don't ever forget it.
King, as to your request, I've thought it over and it's reasonable. You guys handle your beefs with Tim. I'll handle mine. Fair enough.
Tim, while I don't approve of remarks that call a person's gender, race, sexuality or beliefs into disrepute, I don't think any of the comments by anyone else here can match the deep structural hatred that is built into your writing from the ground up. Anybody can say something mean or angry once in a while. You're all about mean and angry. There's a difference.
If I ever happen to meet Tim Hall, I'll certainly express your disapproval.
You're right, Undie Press does appear to be a crayon 'n napkin literary movement, at best. In reality, from what I've seen, I can't even tell if it actually exists outside of a webpage. You see, Tim Hall is in the ULA, even if he isn't. Grover too. Cut from the same cloth, all of them.
"Tim, while I don't approve of remarks that call a person's gender, race, sexuality or beliefs into disrepute, I don't think any of the comments by anyone else here can match the deep structural hatred that is built into your writing from the ground up. Anybody can say something mean or angry once in a while. You're all about mean and angry. There's a difference."
Moral cowardice, your name is Mr. Maloof. (Although I will agree with you that Tim's writing that I've actually read on homosexual subjects is pretty thuggish...who wants to bet rough 'n tumble Karl Wenclas loves it? You know those gays, so very "womanly."
"King, as to your request, I've thought it over and it's reasonable. You guys handle your beefs with Tim. I'll handle mine. Fair enough."----Another greatest hit in hands & knees snivelling from Mr. Maloof. "I apologize for my life, King, and subject myself to your will! I'm-i'm-i'm just tryin' to PROTECT you, don't go bein' mad at me!"
??? I was paraphrasing Agatha Christie on the subject of anonymous letter writers. You'll have to take any p.c. gripes up with her. Do you want me to provide exact quotes from that particular novel of hers?
And yes, we are a crayon n napkin literary movement. You've unwittingly captured the essence of zeens-- the fact that anyone can do them. EVERYone can become involved in literature-- including characters like us. Very democratic.
For such a shoestring outfit, we've done okay-- much better than anyone could expect. (We have your undivided attention. What about us attracts you so much?)
We've gotten outfits like WNYC, Poetry Foundation, Associated Press, to seriously cover us. Unbelievable. When we get together privately we laugh about it-- over beers of course.
You know what-- we're having a lot of fun, and building something while we're at it.
Say what you will, but this puts us at least one step ahead of you, who wastes thousands and thousands of words which won't sway us for a moment (they only enourage us) and will have no impact anywhere else.
Say what you will about our writing careers-- but what about yours? Spending your life writing an anti-ULA blog?
The only way anyone would ever care to save these words of yours, which you invest so much sweat, time, and care on, is if by chance we somehow someday DO make it big as a lit movement. Which kind of puts you in a Catch-22.
Glad you agree with us about Tim Hall, Tim.
Have a good life!
"Well, what else does one call such a person. Gutless? A scared woman?"
"...the suspects are almost always women. Understandable."
"If you're a man, back up what you say."
Yes, I DO in fact remember those Agatha Christie quotes. That explains it. I believe it was from the classic tale, "King Wenclas & Women Are Only Half-Human."
Actually, I've seen in writing in a few places and heard from a person or two that you're rather famously a woman hater. You can ask MDG, for one, if you want. "Understandable."
As I've said before, you're always welcome to take up your unmasking of me as Tim Hall up with the man in person. Or find some other way to give him a hard time. Whatever method you choose is fine. If you believe I'm Tim, why don't you just pull the trigger on that and do it? He certainly doesn't seem too terribly intimidating, and it won't bother me. Here it is, an open invitation. If only I could be a fly on the wall when that happens.
An Associated Press article? You don't say? Tell me, how many book orders did you get as a result of that one? And wasn't there some story about George Plimpton? I must have forgotten. Please, tell that compelling tale again.
But seriously Karl & The Minions. Tim Hall lives in Jersey. He has a book out ready for review. He supposedly has a press. Unleash the dogs of war, already, you tough Bloggin' Revolutionareez(tm). Make sure to mention my name while doing it, and don't forget to take a picture of his confused face.
It might be a little like storming a Wenclas reading (do you even do those, "writer"?) surrounding him...and the last sounds he ever hears are, "I've found you, Mitch Douglas! Mitch Douglas! Mitch Douglas!"
Gus Hall wrote: "Let me give you a hint: my phone number has a 6 in it somewhere."
Actually, it has two sixes, doesn't it. I got this one off Anywho dot com.
963-062[blank]
This time only, I left out area code and address, and one digit. It's all public information, however I do not condone invasion of privacy.
You're Tim Hall. Wanker.
the funny thing is the man's going to have say keep on saying increasingly deprecating things about himself in order to convince us that he's not Tim Hall.
Jimmy the Hyena is a dumb motherfucker who can't spell.
I think that's sufficiently self-deprecating to prove that I am, yes, Jimmy the Hyena.
Mssr. Charlefroid le "Sangfroid" (dans ton esprit, au moins):
Le numero de telephone de Tim Hall? En Nouveau Jersey? Formidable! Tu es un vraiment génie, bien sur.
Oh, how the noose tightens. Ever slowly. On the wrong guy.
My phone number--I'm Bryan, nice to meet you--is unlisted. You're right though, there is more than one 6. But you have my permission to fill in the blanks on that other telephone number. If I'm Tim, then I'm giving you permission, and you are certain, after all. Waddaya say? I have a feeling even that wouldn't convince you otherwise, but that's what religious devotion to false beliefs will do.
You see, when trying to intimidate someone by holding personal information over their heads? You really need to have the right person first. It's a better technique.
Yawn.
But please, continue tightening that noose on ol' Tim. Phone numbers, addresses, dates & times of readings, attempts to get more writers under the Undie Press umbrella, Sunday trips to the grocery store, whatever. Show him who's boss. Of course, it appears he's already given up anyway. Haven't seen him around lately, have you?
Ff you ever do track ME down, I'll have a decision on my hands. Is it worth it, for the ULA? When you've even narrowed it down to the right state, I'll certainly consider hitting the buzzer. I certainly wouldn't want a bunch of ULA creeps bothering me, it sounds like a nightmare. All that mothball breath, congregated in one place.
But anyway, I really do look forward to your investigation of Wenclas's rather well known woman hatred. Get your fingerprint dusting kit ready!
sûr, don't forget that pesky little watchamacallit otherwise it means sur which is on top of and so maybe Tim (just let this here poor spêlling moron [now is that poor speller or bad speller or bad spëller you've plum maked this hyena ferget] entertain the psychotic fantasy that you is Tim)et moi je dirais tu es vraiment un cerveau exceptionnel
because like that génie word got all other kinda connotatoinons that maybe you wouldn't like to be a implercatin, tiny timmy, and you got to remember to pucker them lips real special tight to say that sûr like in certain and not sur on top of that's all for now Hall got to get drunk and do me some misogynisting
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
It's called a circonflexe, and I can't get my computer to make them. L'accent aigu, now those are easy. But I'll copy & paste yours: û. Good for me, bien sûr.
Your comment was cute. You're rightly accused of being too dumb to spell, so you pretend that your spelling and grammar are even worse. Jimmy est toujours sur la défensif! Pauvre crétin. But cute indeed. La-dee-da.
but look Tim if I'm so fucking stupid why can't you convince me you're Guski? tu est un vraiment génie whatever that means. Just keep on denying and we'll keep on accusing, Mr. Hall
"but look Tim if I'm so fucking stupid why can't you convince me you're Guski?"
Hmm. Enough said.
you know that book half empty? It's pretty funny. There's this guy walking around Williamsburg in this really cool leather jacket and he's thinking all these superficial yuppies can't deal with the weight of all this intellectual alienation I'm carrying around underneath this really cool highway patrol leather jacket so they have to look askance at me because I challenge their shallow existences but what they're really thinking is why is this poor gay guy so upset? They don't want to let themselves think, oh no! is Williamsburg becoming the new Village? Because that wouldn't be very PC would it Tim?
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. All Mr. Hall did was post a snide unclever provocation on this absurd blog, and you've rewarded him with twenty-five posts! (Make that twenty-six, sorry!)
You are rewarding this sado-masochistic fool with attention! Why help him get off?
Think about it a moment. If you all went away and left him alone to rant about whatever he likes, would it make a particle of difference?
This fellow is a fool and an ass. Why must you engage him? If he has rejected you, consider yourselves blessed. If you reject him in your turn, IGNORE HIM!
are you Mr. Hall's psychotherapist M.Loofah? Tim's got a French psychotherapist? What do you think about his depersonalisation? Is it a result of post traumatic stress disorder or a confused sexual identity or maybe a bit of both? He's got trouble establishing a path towards selfactualisation. Move against others; Move towards others; Move away from others. Me I usually choose the last but....fucking people don't leave me a choice
No more posts from Jimmy...I'm being starved of oxygen...can't continue...to...post...the less comments from ULAers...the...better ULA writing...becomes...(death rattle).
Of course, now that Charlie has moved on, I anxiously await his exposé on Jimmy's homophobia. Any minute now. Show us those principles!
Charlie: Bully! Narcissist! Leave the ULA alone! They're the forces of good in a world gone mad!
Karl: Fuck off, Charlie.
Charlie: Yes sir, (sniffle) sorry to offend (sniffle), anything you say sir...I'm so sorry, please forgive me, it's all for you, don't you know that? I just wanna serve you, I just wanna serve you...I-I-I loooove you....
Tim, who are you talking to?
Aw, snap.
Why should I conform to the weak lying hypocritical morality of a country that I haven’t been to in twelve years?
In a way Tim the more obsessed and crazier you get the more you contribute to the ULA myth.
So thank you Mr. Hall
Aw snap? So you recognize mary's quim? Bet you'll never get inside it again.
Daddy, how come I have one bottle, but you have six?
Get off my block!
Aw, snap. You were nervous I didn't know what quim meant, so you gave an extra hint to make sure I was properly offended by you insulting somebody else's lady.
You didn't need to worry, guv'nah, but that was cute. Did you fingers tremble, just a little?
Jimmy, I'm glad to hear you've found a nice home where the false weak morality of not hating gay people is shunned completey. And the weather in Saudi is so lovely this time of year. But you didn't need to leave our golden shores for that, there's plenty of homophobia to go around in American morality. And be ready for Charlie's strong worded condemnation of this ULA bigotry, as his indignation is principled and not at all the sort of false outrage of GOP election strategists. Not even a little.
"Y-y-yes boss, yer right about those qu-qu-queers...when you say it, it makes so much sense. C-c-can I have a pat on the head now? I'm a good boy, right daddy?"
Daddy, mommy just said you're an allacolic. What's a allacolic, Daddy?
you know a lot of alcoholics their homosexual anxiety actually stems from an experience they had during a blackout, sorry Tim that is a nasty way to take advantage of a person
You should ask your drunken father, George Preston, or the drunken Maloof who gives you your words. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting either of them. But I am happy to act as a conduit here...a pleasure, I'm sure.
"C-c-come on Wenclas, w-w-will you say I'm a good boy now? Please? It's all for you, daddy, it's all for you..."
Or, in his own words, no additions or needed: “King, if you’re reading, I am sorry if I’ve caused you any angst. If I felt I could add something to your movement, I’d join it.”
Still the funniest two sentences ever written in the long, boring saga of the ULA, it's lovers and detractors.
“King, if you’re reading, I am sorry if I’ve caused you any angst. If I felt I could add something to your movement, I’d join it.” Fucking BEAUTIFUL.
“Tim, if you’re reading, I am sorry if I’ve caused you any homosexual anxiety. If I felt I could add something to your movement, I’d join it.”
SHOOT DA FREAK
SHOOT DA FREAK
do you feel it coming, that presence? It's madness.
The rest of your life will just be one long thorazine shuffle down a hospital corridor (or maybe they'll call it a hallway just in honor of you)
Do they have internet access in Bellevue ? If so here’s something to bring back from wonderland ; by the way take comfort in the fact that you’re over there on third avenue so even when electroshock and antipsychotic medication have reduced you to a drooling shuffling pauvre crétin you’ll still technically be a manhattanite and hence more sophisticated and intellectual like than all the rest of those trailer trash Americans.
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I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane.
I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane. I am Tim Hall. I will not go insane.
Chilly Charlie is Tim Hall. Everybody knows that.
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