I did speak too soon, after all. The Protector of Righteousness & Virginal Innocence (note: that's the ULA, got it?) is back in business, and back in a big way. It's a wonderful thing, really, to see this human(?? It could also be randomly generated computer code...) bulwark stand in the path of the oncoming train of malice known as all criticism of the fragile-hearted ULA. Much like General Wolfe, dying on the Plains of Abraham, Charlie hopes to someday lie, his military sash spattered with his own blood, with arm outstretched towards the heavens, and proclaim: "That I should die, to protect each and every tooth Jeff Potter has left."

Too dramatic? Eh, Charlie may also be just some dude bloggin' about mysteries 'n junk.

But his return has come in glory, at least. His Hardy Boy caper has been declared closed, and my true identity, which could not possibly be what I say it is, has been revealed, for ever and all time. I'm sure Charlie will continue to try to put the pieces together (hint: Tim & "I" (Tim) both use "the," "as," "to," and "is," very frequently and in a similar manner (English sentences!)). But as long as I can remember not to leave my Jersey City travel books at any restaurants that Charlie's trying to get my saliva samples at, perhaps I can evade capture a little longer. I'll keep the cyanide pills handy, though.

There is one little item I would like to clear up, however. I haven't done any "gay baiting." Sure, I told Chilly to stop checking the mail for his naked Tim Hall/Karl Wenclas pictures, but that's only because those particular photos are a crime against nature and God Himself be you man, woman, or both. Personally, as "Chilly Charlie" is a pseudonym, I should confess I've always thought of you more of a sexless spirit, floating between dimensions, unbridled by the constraints of time and space. Sexless spirits can't be straight or gay. Sorry, it's science. My hands are tied.

And now, for a couple ULA-related Quick Hits!

(a.) For those of you who didn't get to catch Frank Walsh's radio performance--1.) it's on the internet if you're interested, 2.) You're not interested--let me sum it up for you. As always, a ULA member comes across as a pompous ass out of their league (as hard as it may be to be out of your league with mild-mannered literary public radio hosts). Pretentious language + no point + worst and worst received Reagan impression/joke ever = the complete defeat of Columbia. I hear they bequeathed their entire endowment to Slush Pile on their death bed.

(b.) Despite the ULA's constant attempt to tell you what is and isn't quality writing despite whatever your faculties and critical reasoning tell you, their latest, uh, "comedic" antics are as unfunny as ever. Awhile back, I saw a ULA-related tour video where Wred-Fright-or-something broke out his wrestler persona on one of the stops. Perhaps it doesn't come across well in video (which I'm sure would be Wenclas's defense)? Perhaps. But the telltale sign is the bewildered indifference of the audience...and, as they showed up for the show, you'd figure they'd be sympathetic.

Then there's the Masked Perfesser. 'Nough said. Although Walsh's pseudo-intellectual explanation of this tired, unfunny, and unoriginal creation during his radio interview is worth the price of admission.

And finally, there's the clown show that was part of the Columbia protest. Nothing like Howard Stern/In Living Color late-80's derived bits to show your fresh, original perspective.

Fucked up clowns aren't funny. That script's was already flipped a long, long time ago. They're certainly not original. Of course, Karl would say not finding his pawnbroker/boxing promoter shlocky shtick funny is a result of being an ivory-tower type who can't understand that the people (hoi polloi!!) are aching--aching--for "rabble-rousing no-holds-barred P.T. Barnum showmanship" or whatever other bullshit line Wenclas dredges up to convince himself he's talented. It is a discredit and a disservice to the people themselves that no one is interested in his played out garbage. If the ULA's "protest" of a boring academic event was really a "success"? Sell more books, jackass. Tick, tick, tick. I'm waiting. Otherwise, ultimately, what's the point of this shit?

But I say this all with love, of course, as always.