Newsbreak!: Torquemada wins (but he should consider taking weekend evenings off to get some fresh air)!!! I recognize the one, holy, catholic & apostolic church, and all of its findings against me to be true. They are, as follows:
1. The Underground Literary Alliance are kindhearted innocents, maligned by all critics without cause. They are the light and the way, the truth in a world of darkness, and to deny them is to risk your eternal soul (and any chance of having your avant-garde short story about how much homework sucks being posted on their website).
2. The distaste the ULA generates in pretty much anyone that isn’t actually a member, regardless of taste in writing or feelings about underground literature and contemporary publishing is not the fault of the organization, but is rather the result of a satanic conspiracy originating in Little, Brown, & Co. think tanks and Rick Moody’s wine cellar.
3. If you were dying of thirst, and McSweeney’s had a bottle of water, they’d drink it in front of you while they watched you die.
4. If you have to ask which is worse for humanity—every case in the sex crimes division of your nearest major city, or Frank Walsh’s inability to be published—you’re a counterrevolutionary.
5. Masked Perfessers and zanily messed-up clowns are really funny or whatever.
6. Most importantly, I have no role in declaring or determining my own identity. It’s kind of like being in Cambodia in the late 70s, except it’s all really stupid and nobody died.
These confessions were given under the duress of torture, sure, but even so please take them for what they are. On the one hand, Mssr. Hall is the one who in reality has to take all the flack, and on the other hand, he can’t say I’ve ever tried to pawn myself off as him. I tried, Timmy, don't sue. But don’t thank me too profusely, I still like your stories as much anything J.D. Finch had his elder assistance nurse transcribe.
The funniest part of my Big Lie is that I could have commented originally with an alias—like, I dunno, Chillie Timmy or something—but I decided to face my fears of mobland style retribution and use my own name. Or, I didn’t. Whatever you say. As I said, Torquemada won, and I do mean that, sincerely. I surrender without conditions to your will. And I once thought the ULA was not a force to be reckoned with.
As this “non-ULA member” does not fancy me enough to speak to me directly in this open forum, our heartwarming Abelard & Heloise saga may continue. Although, to my knowledge, in none of Abelard’s letters did he invite Heloise to shove anything up her ass (twice!). In any event, perhaps when The Non-ULA Member gives a breakdown of DNA comparisons we’ll revisit him, but now, back to the matter at hand.
I feel badly I have not been giving my undivided attention to the true mission of this blog: speaking truth to lack of power. In the time I’ve been spending on this, the ULA have produced several masterpieces on the back of the restraining order Jon Franzen’s lawyer sent over.
PS: ULA Fun Fact: Did you know Karl once spoke to Paris Review employees? In New York? About how he felt about stuff? As for me, I once saw Richard Dreyfus in a mall. He looked old.
PPS: ULA Serious Fact: The ULA in no way endorses self-aggrandizing namedrops of any kind, as a “balls to the wall” (I think Karl said that, but it might have been a line from Major League: Back to the Minors) radical organization, dedicated to being awful mean to Atlantic Monthly coffee-getters since 1830 or last week or something.
BookforumGawkerMediaBistroEggersFranzenTimeOutNewYork
MoodyEricFonerNewCriterionGeorgePlimptonsCorpse
1. The Underground Literary Alliance are kindhearted innocents, maligned by all critics without cause. They are the light and the way, the truth in a world of darkness, and to deny them is to risk your eternal soul (and any chance of having your avant-garde short story about how much homework sucks being posted on their website).
2. The distaste the ULA generates in pretty much anyone that isn’t actually a member, regardless of taste in writing or feelings about underground literature and contemporary publishing is not the fault of the organization, but is rather the result of a satanic conspiracy originating in Little, Brown, & Co. think tanks and Rick Moody’s wine cellar.
3. If you were dying of thirst, and McSweeney’s had a bottle of water, they’d drink it in front of you while they watched you die.
4. If you have to ask which is worse for humanity—every case in the sex crimes division of your nearest major city, or Frank Walsh’s inability to be published—you’re a counterrevolutionary.
5. Masked Perfessers and zanily messed-up clowns are really funny or whatever.
6. Most importantly, I have no role in declaring or determining my own identity. It’s kind of like being in Cambodia in the late 70s, except it’s all really stupid and nobody died.
These confessions were given under the duress of torture, sure, but even so please take them for what they are. On the one hand, Mssr. Hall is the one who in reality has to take all the flack, and on the other hand, he can’t say I’ve ever tried to pawn myself off as him. I tried, Timmy, don't sue. But don’t thank me too profusely, I still like your stories as much anything J.D. Finch had his elder assistance nurse transcribe.
The funniest part of my Big Lie is that I could have commented originally with an alias—like, I dunno, Chillie Timmy or something—but I decided to face my fears of mobland style retribution and use my own name. Or, I didn’t. Whatever you say. As I said, Torquemada won, and I do mean that, sincerely. I surrender without conditions to your will. And I once thought the ULA was not a force to be reckoned with.
As this “non-ULA member” does not fancy me enough to speak to me directly in this open forum, our heartwarming Abelard & Heloise saga may continue. Although, to my knowledge, in none of Abelard’s letters did he invite Heloise to shove anything up her ass (twice!). In any event, perhaps when The Non-ULA Member gives a breakdown of DNA comparisons we’ll revisit him, but now, back to the matter at hand.
I feel badly I have not been giving my undivided attention to the true mission of this blog: speaking truth to lack of power. In the time I’ve been spending on this, the ULA have produced several masterpieces on the back of the restraining order Jon Franzen’s lawyer sent over.
PS: ULA Fun Fact: Did you know Karl once spoke to Paris Review employees? In New York? About how he felt about stuff? As for me, I once saw Richard Dreyfus in a mall. He looked old.
PPS: ULA Serious Fact: The ULA in no way endorses self-aggrandizing namedrops of any kind, as a “balls to the wall” (I think Karl said that, but it might have been a line from Major League: Back to the Minors) radical organization, dedicated to being awful mean to Atlantic Monthly coffee-getters since 1830 or last week or something.
BookforumGawkerMediaBistroEggersFranzenTimeOutNewYork
MoodyEricFonerNewCriterionGeorgePlimptonsCorpse
posted by Bryan Guski at Monday, April 24, 2006
2 Comments:
Wow! I guess you really told us!
Giving up your hate campaign already?
After what-- five years??
(I've been thinking that Tim Hall couldn't be you-- even he has some sense of how the world works, which in you is completely lacking. You might be the most completely ignorant person I've ever known.)
I know that by posting this I'm likely feeding your hate, which you feed on, black-souled one. But it's not as if you'll ever go away regardless.
Imagine carrying on a grudge for so long-- for no cause. Amazing.
Btw, Charlie is not part of the ULA. (I wish we had someone who posted that often!) Likely he's merely someone Tim Hall pissed off in his past. (The person seems to live in New York.)
Charlie, when it comes down to it, isn't very bright-- especially if he's wasted all his words on you, when you're not his real target.
One can't say Tim is very swift either-- attacking the ULA in every possible forum at the same time you were attacking on my blog-- which indicated you were likely him. (And still could be, for all I know.) It's also curious that he's made no attempt to expose you-- even though it would get Charlie off his back. Figure that one out.
All the masks! All the phoniness. For what?
Who's "Tao," for instance? Since you seem to have time on your hands, you might want to look into that.
Re: Other crazies. Pathetic ex-ULAer was Will showing up at our Columbia thing to protest us. Funny how ex-ULAers never seem to get the organization out of their blood. (Will admitted sending us anonymously a fake "Rick Moody" tape at the time of our Medusa show. Who else is the guy stalking??)
Your ideas, by the way, are complete nonsense. Your words reveal how little you know. Because of your sense of your own talent you have your head completely up your ass-- and are incapable of understanding the world and how things work. This is why you'll never make it as a writer. (That-- and the fact you have no character or integrity whatsoever. As I guess you're proving by attacking someone who only tried to help you.)
Talent is like shale oil deep in the ground. It has no value where it sits-- but requires someone to dig it out.
Forget the myth of "stars"-- which is perpetuated in order to sell products. Culture-- in music, in literature-- is created by the promoter, who is ten times more important to the process than the artist himself.
Shocking! But it's the truth. Until you realize that, you'll always be a sore-headed crazed anonymous poster. (You'd be best off admitting that you know NOTHING and starting over.)
Anyway, a lot's happening with that failed organization of nobodies known as the ULA. I have to go. I'll let you get back to madly chewing the carpeting, frothily, or whatever else it is you do.
For the record, my hate campaign lasted for two weeks in August of '05 and two weeks in April of '06. 5 years, one month, whatever.
But you shouldn't talk about Charlie that way, King, don't you know he's ready to die for your cause? Don't hurt his feelings.
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